The below in red are my Aunt Betty’s words to me during a spiritual direction session where I was complaining that people were hurt because of a decision I made that I felt was best for my family.

See, I disagree. It’s you. I don’t see a lot of people hurt. I know your controller wants to beat you over the head and keep saying that. Can you look at this with the Divine Will instead of the controller? Look at what I’ve been trying to teach you about the parachute, the controller, the walking in and out of the Divine Will whenever it’s convenient. You’re making a choice to keep that part in your life that is responsible for a lot of your depression. You really need to look thru the choices you’re making, because this is not working. You have to get out of the parachuting. You got to get that door closed and locked.

I think you need time to really look at what I’m saying, because you keep going back to it with insistence, as though it just makes sense to keep doing this. So, I feel like, “Well, she’s really not hearing what I’m saying and her will is like, ‘We’re going to stay that way.'” No. It’s a very important decision you’re making. And I’m part of the problem, if I just keep walking past it, and not saying, “Hey, this is serious.” I want you to hear this.

So, you need to do some speaking in tongues and writing and trying to get into what am I doing here? Ask yourself, “What choice am I making, and why am I so determined that this is the only way I can live?”  It’s because you don’t want to surrender completely to Jesus as Lord. It’s too frightening to let go. What are you afraid of? Take a look at what you just said. Face your Perfectionist. You made a mistake. How dare you? So, you entered the human race. What’s so frightening about that?

Do some thinking on this whole thing. It’s important and I just feel like you’re stopping your whole movement into a deeper union with God with what you’re doing. I do think you need to pray through some of these decisions. So, why don’t you pray. First go into tongues, so you leave the control of your head? Because the real enemy here is your controller. She wants to be Lord. But we want Jesus.

Is there any area in your life that you’re trying to hold onto and control, rather than turning to the Lord and saying, “Teach me.”