Lately, the theme for me has been about speaking candidly with others. Growing up a people pleaser, this has not been easy. I need to get more resilient and allow people to have their reactions. Below in red are my Aunt Betty’s words to me in my spiritual direction session.
You get in that controller and into the “what ifs” and “if onlys.” You leave the situation for one that you can control or mistakenly believe you can control. You go parachuting over to what you and your unbelief figure will give you more control. Lift that whole thing up and hand it over to the Lord, because it’s His business. Move out of it. Whenever you think of it, just pray for everyone involved. Be very careful with your imagination, because your imagination can point and exaggerate the trouble you’re in with people. Part of it could be God needing to get some of those people moving. It has nothing to do with you. There’s where I think your exaggerator gets super active. You have to step back from that and stop the exaggeration that’s going on inside.
“Lord, help AM to recognize when she opens the door to parachute out. Help her see when she enters into that unbelief and goes back to the old controlling ways. Bring it to her mind, so she knows she’s got the door open and that she’s on the way out of the Divine Will.”
AM: I should have…
Betty: Just listen to what I said. See, this is your controller there. You can’t control how other people react or take things. You have to get out of that.
AM: I’m mad at myself for saying…
Betty: Hello. It’s your controller. Please don’t give her any more power.
AM: I’m trying to balance… I guess I don’t have that down yet.
Betty: The first-person controller is talking. Please keep her out of it. Rather, turn to the Lord and say, “Teach me.” Go into that humble position in which you’ll grow in wisdom. The controller is just going to poke you in the ribs for the mistakes she sees there.
I want you to listen to the controller, how she manipulates. Your controller goes off in this negative “What if I’d done this and what if I’d done that” and blah, blah, blah. I think that’s how you go into depression. You just give her free reign and off she goes. It doesn’t turn out good. It’s a lost measure. You got to catch on and stop running out the parachute door if you want to live in the Divine Will. There is peace in the Divine Will, because you recognize you tried to do your best. Then you give it to the Lord and say humbly, “Teach me.”
Thank you for bringing this up. I was just talking to my oldest daughter, who is very self critical, about this very thing. We both tend to beat ourselves up over little things and go into negative spin. This is super timely!