I wrote this at a time I had a lot of depression. Thankfully, God freed me of depression nearly 3 years.

AM: It’s discouraging that Fr. W. suffered depression his whole life even though he was very faithful.

Betty: You look at the fact that God gave him that cross to carry throughout his life with non-acceptance. But that was part of his gift to the church, namely to keep that faith and to keep encouraging people in the spiritual life even though, he, himself, was in darkness. There’s true holiness in him. But you don’t see it as holiness. Do you see it as failure? 

AM: No. It just takes away some of the hope for myself. I don’t want to be in depression my whole life like him.  

Betty: Okay, see what I would do if I came in contact with that in myself, I would run to the Lord and say, “Oh Lord, look what I’m doing here. Fr W was called to give that gift to you and to still walk in faith and honor you. But I’m looking at it as an excuse not to believe in you.” 

AM: I believe in God. I just feel like it’d be nice to be a person of joy. I feel so disappointed in the person I am.  

Betty: See, even there, “I’m so disappointed in the person I am.” It’s a judgment of yourself. Say, ”Lord, help me to stop this crazy need to keep negatively beating myself down.”  See, your judgment of the person you are is not wholesome. So, I don’t trust it as a good judgment. But you seem to accept it. You don’t want to accept your cross. 

Maybe the way you glorify and give the Lord great honor is to keep refusing these judgments that are not of him. That might be the glory that God is asking of you, namely that you are really achieving what he wants of you by coming against this negativity.  That, in itself, gives God honor.  You’re in there doing spiritual battle. Every time we come against deceit coming into the world, we are waging the battle for truth. Whether that deceit comes through our environment or actually through our interior, it’s still deceit. And we’re called to do battle. We are called to bring the truth. God is truth. And so, these look like small victories. But overall in God’s plan, they are all part of taking back the kingdom of this world from Satan. So, when you feel Hell making a decision within you, say, “I renounce that in Jesus’ name.” I learned that from my friend. I would say to myself, “In Jesus’ name, I come against that.” I was doing battle to come into truth. Then one day, by the grace of God, that kind of negative thinking just ceased. And I was set free. But I had to wait for the grace of God for coming into freedom. But I do believe the willingness to do the battle was part of what God wanted in order for me to get free. But in the course of doing the battle, I was giving God honor and glory. 

See, your Perfectionist wants to get in there and judge it. And when she judges it, it closes the door of the gift of God. It goes more into the self pity. Whereas, if you keep on being alert to where those attitudes, thoughts, and feelings are not giving honor to God and you refuse it, then you’re giving God glory.  

AM: So, it’s the humility of doing a simple battle without looking for big results. 

Betty: God is not into the looks of things. That’s all crap from this world. God is more into what’s essential. 

Are you judging yourself for the cross you carry? Maybe the way you glorify the Lord, and give him great honor, is to keep refusing these judgments that are not of him. That might be the glory that God is asking of you, that you really are achieving what he wants of you by coming against this negativity.