This excerpt was written when I was in a desert place. My Aunt Betty’s words are in red:
But God always takes what we have and uses it toward our good. I take that he is probably using your depression for your good. Wouldn’t life be more pleasant if you would stop fighting with God? You could say, “I’m too small to fight with Him. This isn’t working out so well. I wonder what would happen if I surrendered?” Life would become so much easier.
Watch your expectations. Don’t expect God to change everything all at once. Because dying comes hard, and our will is not going to give up easy. It will try to find new ways to convince God that your way is right and His way is wrong. Isn’t that what we do? What I noticed is that the real saints are the ones who hang in there when it is bad or when it’s good. Either way, they hang in there. Your will is being called to die, and let the power of the will of God become greater.
You’ve been telling people you’re in the wilderness, so it shouldn’t be any surprise to you. You’re in the wilderness, in which your will is being called to die, and let the power of God become greater in your life. You are too busy fighting with God. The difference between you and I is that I do not constantly try to satisfy my feelings. I’ve learned it doesn’t work. I live more on my will and on the decisions I’ve made? I don’t go up-and-down with the feelings, because feelings by nature, aren’t dependable. Have you ever noticed that? When I was younger, I was torn back and forth by my feelings. I think it’s the grace of God that got me out of it. We are not here to satisfy our feelings. We were put here to give honor and glory to God. Sooner or later, you have to make a choice. I watch you and sometimes you do well, and other times you go into a place where you are in rebellion.
Hold that up to the Lord, and ask Him to help you there. Know that the indwelling Trinity is there, so immediately ask God to pray thru you for that which you don’t fully understand. There are certain things I’ve kept saying over and over to you. What I do is pray what I’m feeling, and then I lift it up to God. “Lord, I really want to be one with You in Your will.” So, then I rededicate myself to what I’ve promised to Him, and ask for Him to bring it about. So, there’s the feeling part. You don’t deny it. You don’t lie about it. Then there’s the readiness to go into tongues, and ask the Holy Spirit to pray through you for that which you don’t understand. You seem to forget that part. And that would help you get out of the stuck places. It is a tremendous help, especially for those people who suffer with depression, to ask the Holy Spirit to lift you beyond all that feeling stuff. It is a big help. Then when you act on your decisions, you let your will move the way you act, not your feelings. That is the key for being faithful.
Is there any area in your life where you are you being called to act with your will, rather than letting your feelings guide you?