I wrote this during a difficult time. My Aunt Betty’s words are in red:
The “beat yourself up attitude” has to go, because it’s one of those open doors for Satan to come in. You set yourself up. And it’s like Satan says, “Oh, ok. She wants me to beat her up.” Uh uh. You don’t want to open the door and invite Satan in. The problem with you is you open the door, and let him in, and then you complain. I’m like, “Oh my gosh. Come on. Make up your mind. Stop opening the door.” When you are pressing through, you are giving honor and glory to God, because despite the difficulty you’re going through, you are hanging in there and doing the right things. Sometimes, you do the opposite. You go into rebellion and dishonor God. I don’t see how that’s going to help. Make a choice between good and evil.
AM: It doesn’t seem to be letting up.
Betty: If this suffering is not letting up, and you are in the Divine Will, what is that saying? There is something good God is doing, so it is not meant to let up yet, because God always chooses what’s good. So, if you are doing the right thing, and it does not let up, then you have to trust that God is bringing good out of this, even though you don’t understand it. And then, you hang in there. That’s what the saints did. This is not a new idea. I borrowed it from the centuries.
God did not promise life would be easy. It’s a time of testing. At times, I feel like, “Testing, testing, testing. Is there anything else besides testing?” But, I do try to believe my faith in God that He will bring good out of it if I do my part, which is hanging in there and praying. You pray, put Christian music on, pray in tongues, pray Scriptures, etc. Every time I’ve been in bad places, God would bring me out of it. Hanging in there is the hard part, because “we want what we want when we want it .” Tell me, “If things don’t go your way, what good can come out of it?”
That’s where you get into the discipline of staying in the present moment, instead of torturing yourself. It’s very hard for you. That particular sacrifice, to let go and trust God, seems to be very difficult for you. And yet, I think that’s why you keep getting tested, until finally you can yield. So, would you yield? We could be talking about something else, because there would be another test that would come along, I’m sure.
Pray and give the Lord your discouragement. On a scale of 1 to 10, how big is your discouragement? (I said 9) Get an image of what you’re feeling. Jesus said that if you have faith, He can move mountains. Do you believe that? Could you make the “9” as a mountain? Ask the Lord for faith. Tune into what you’re feeling and let that feeling become an image. Now, call for the Lord. Then, see the image of your discouragement going to the cross.
You just keep telling me over and over that you’re in the wilderness. Ok, I understand. What I know about the will of God is that you ask Him to get you out of the wilderness if it is not His will. And then if He doesn’t get you out, you accept the fact that you are in the wilderness.
Stuff happens. You are not powerful, because you think you are. There is a mystery as to what is going on. What is going on is not what you want. So, ask yourself, “This is not what I want, but is God in this? Is this what He wants?
Pray, “Lord, I am in a rebellion over what is happening, because it is not what I want. But I’m not here in life to get what I want. I give you my will. I ask that you melt it into Yours, so that I can choose what You want. I feel called to be one with Your will as my reason to be alive, so that you can be present through me. Here I am in this rebelling and giving You a hard time. I don’t know why I’m doing this, when I’m really called to abandon and yield, and die to my will.”
Is there something in your life that God is asking you to let go and trust Him?