I wrote this during a difficult time. My Aunt Betty’s words are in red:
The “beat yourself up attitude” has to go. You set yourself up. Don’t open the door and invite Satan in. When you are pressing through, you are giving honor and glory to God, because you are doing the right things. Make a choice between good and evil. If this suffering is not letting up, and you are in the Divine Will, what is that saying? There is something good God is doing, so it is not meant to let up. If you are doing the right thing, and it does not let up, then you have to trust that God is bringing good out of this, even though you don’t understand it. But, you hang in there. It’s a time of testing. You try to believe that He will bring good out of it if you do your part, which is hanging in there. You pray, put Christian music on, pray in tongues, pray Scriptures, etc. Every time you hang in there, God will bring you out of there.
Get into the discipline of staying in the present moment, instead of torturing yourself. That seems to be your difficulty. Instead, let go and trust God. That is why you keep getting tested, until you can finally yield. Pray and give the Lord your discouragement. On a scale of 1 to 10, how big is your discouragement? Get an image of what you’re feeling. Jesus said that if you have faith, you can move mountains. Do you believe that? Then, see the image of your discouragement going to the cross. Ask Jesus for more faith.
Ask God to get you out of the wilderness. If it is not His will, accept the fact that you are supposed to be in the wilderness, if He doesn’t get you out. Stuff happens. You are not powerful, because you think you are. There is a mystery as to what is going on. What is going on is not what you want. So, ask yourself, “This is not what I want, but is God in this? Is this what He wants?
Pray, “Lord, I am in a rebellion over what is happening, because it is not what I want. But I’m not here in life to get what I want. I give you my will. I ask that you meld it into Yours, so that I can choose what You want. I feel called to be one with Your will as my reason to be alive, so that you can be present through me. Here I am in this rebelling and giving You a hard time. I don’t know why I’m doing this, when I’m really called to abandon and yield, and die to my will.”
Is there something in your life that God is asking you to let go and trust Him?