It’s challenging not to judge those who are judging you. Sometimes I find myself caught with people who attack me for no real reason. I get hooked with them, when I go into judgment on them. What follows is self-righteousness, as I justify myself. I will always have critics, but I need to keep my focus on God, and stay the course. Once I judge, I’m caught. Years ago, I asked Fr. Jerry Bevilacqua why I had traits of someone who’d hurt me. He said, “Because you judged him.” I’m safest when I have a humble heart. “A heart contrite and humbled, O God, You will not spurn.” (Psalm 51:17). In red, are my Aunt Betty’s words to me during a session.
By continuing to judge, you’re continuing to work up your anger. That’s your decision. You won’t get out of it, unless you make a new decision. You have to leave the judgments up to the Lord. You have to give up what pushes you into the anger and rage. What good is judging when you can’t do anything about it? Didn’t you just pray to let go of this need to judge that continues to create more anger. You really have to make a decision. You can keep the judgment, and then you keep the anger. Take a look at it. Are you achieving anything with this anger? Well, then why get yourself all worked up with it?
Do you want to stay stuck, or do you want to get out of this? Then make the proper decisions, and move out of it. I can’t do a darn thing for you, until you make a decision. Ask the Lord to clean out all the rage you’re carrying around. “Lord, how would you like me to handle this?” Go to the Lord, and lift it up, and put it in Jesus’ hands. Ask Him to work His way, and then back off. But, it does require mortification. It means you don’t keep going back and stirring it up.
Look at what you’re sacrificing if you don’t make a decision? You’ll look angrier, and be less able to attract people to yourself to help them. So, I can see where the enemy has a lot to gain from you choosing the angry state.
You prefer to tell the Lord how you’re not like the others. God is not going to listen. Remember the Pharisee that wanted to thank God that he’s not like the others? That Pharisee was very arrogant and looking ridiculous thanking God he was not like the rest of men. He went on describing how repulsive other men were in case God forgot (Luke 18:9-14). I can imagine when God gets people like that. It’s like, “Who needs it?” Turn to the Lord and say, “Lord, forgive me for any of the justifications I’m using to stay hooked into it.”
The Lord’s been communicating to you a lot lately about that Psalm 130:1: “Out of the depths of my heart, I cry unto Thee. Oh Lord, hear my prayer.” I feel there’s something very important that needs to happen, as you go down more deeply into that, but you really have to stand in the very depths of who you are to do that. I keep hearing, “Out of the depths…” so this is deep-seeded in you. You have to be willing to go with the Lord and really own that part of you that’s locked in the depths. Because you can judge X all you want, but it’s not going to change the part of the relationship that’s destructive, until you let go of the part in your relationship that’s destructive.
We need to look at the parts of us that are in obstinacy, where our heart is hardened, where we have plugs in our ears and coverings over our eyes. Remember Jesus said, “Do you have eyes, but fail to see, and ears but fail to hear? And don’t you remember? Lest you be converted and repent of your evil ways. “ (Mark 8:18) So, the kind of stuff you’re accusing others of is in yourself.
Go into those depths and cry out to the Lord out of those depths, but this time crying out for your own repentance. Keep saying Psalm 130 over and over—the whole Psalm. You really need, like Mary, to ponder those words in your heart.
When you’re trying to do this, Satan will try to remind you about others and their sins and weaknesses. He keeps trying to get us off on other people, because he doesn’t want the breakthrough, lest you leave the depths of yourself, and be transformed, which he doesn’t want. You’d be smart to stop fighting, and let the Lord do it. Otherwise, your stuff is really going to kick up.