I’ve been writing a lot about having peace and trusting God despite the trials I’m going through.  However, my aunt uncovered another part of me that I was trying to push down.  That part was very frustrated, feeling God wasn’t coming to my rescue.  Years ago, I felt God prompting me to do something.  I went into a lot of prayer and discernment over it.  It wasn’t something I even wanted to do, but wanted to be obedient to Him.  Now the decision I made is causing me heartache. When my aunt and I prayed, she said the following. I wrote her words below in red. 

I am picking up a part of you that is screaming, “I know you could take care of this.  Why aren’t you doing it?”  Be in the pain and say, “Lord, help me get stronger so I stop resenting that you haven’t helped me.”  Take the mountain of the pain that you’ve been shoving down inside yourself to the cross. Instead of running away from the pain, help her to face it , so she’s not standing in the way of you bringing about the healing that she’s crying out for.

Come humbly before the Lord and repent.  “Lord Jesus forgive me for feeling sorry for myself.  It’s very humbling.  I’d much rather think of myself as being holy and resigned to whatever it is you want of me, but instead I have to look tonight and see all this anger and resentment inside, because you don’t seem to be listening to our prayers. We’ve been crying out to you for a long time for help.    While I know you’re very capable of bringing an end to the whole thing, I stand here in the mystery of seeing what appears to be you haven’t come to our aid.  Perhaps you can help me understand, because I’m so mad about it.  But please Lord, help me to get the right attitude toward it, so you can bring about the healing that I need from having gone through it so long.  I don’t want to mad at you.  I want to be accepting, but I’m going to need your help, because I haven’t’ been handling this as well as I’d like.  Please forgive me.  You deserve much better. “

We’re much better when we stand in the light, rather than hide in the darkness, because we know whom else is hiding in the dark…. Satan.  So, we’re choosing the wrong company when we hide in the darkness.   We need to come out into the light where the Lord can help us, because when we get in the darkness, we only get more jabs from the enemy.

Everyone who does evil hates the Light, and one does not come into the Light for fear that his deeds will be exposed.  But whoever practices the truth comes into the light so that it may be clearly seen that what he has done has been accomplished in God.  (John 3:21)

Living in the light enables God to act more in our lives. What most people don’t realize is that when we’re running from God, we’re making our own lives more miserable and that’s the last thing we want to do.  If you hide in the dark, Satan is in there jabbing you the whole time.

You are running from your feelings, which is to hide in the dark.  God likes it more when we come out into the light and fight with Him rather then when we say, “That’s all right I understand.”  No we don’t understand.  Let’s be honest.  We don’t understand and what He is doing is making us mad.  God can deal with that easier than the one who plays the game of “Oh no, I really want what God wants and maybe God wants me to suffer with all these people who are suffering so badly.”  Meanwhile, they are madder than ever, but won’t admit.  Face your anger. 

One day when I (Betty) was at mass, I heard the Lord say, “Where’s that part of you that you hate.”  I said, “Me?  I don’t hate anybody.”  Finally it dawned on me that yes, I really hated that part of me that was impatient and lazy.  “Oh, that one?  You want me to bring her to mass?”  I heard, “Yes, that’s where she can get healed.”  Because I couldn’t stand her, I didn’t take her to mass.  I just took the good, holy part to mass, not the other part. Those are the games we play.  That’s how we hold ourselves back from healing. We’re masters interfering with God’s work in our lives.  And then we stand there and yell at Him for not bringing about our healing.  He’s probably up their scratching His head saying, “Look whose stopping your healing?  It’s certainly not I.“

Your focus has been in the right direction.  Your focus was to try to trust in the Lord.  We have to set our focus. But, on the other hand, even though we’re trying to focus into the Lord, we should be able to feel what we’re feeling and look to the Lord for healing. Because we realize that part of us is not really centered in the Lord. 

It’s a both/and.  We try to do the Christian thing, which is focus in who God says He is, and that He is always there for us.  That’s the truth.  But then at the same time, we have to admit that there’s a part of us, the pagan, that doesn’t believe God is there for us.  It’s downright mad, feeling abandoned.  It’s hard to keep it altogether. 

The Christian life is a mystery.  It isn’t easy.  But we hear in Paul,  “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.”  That’s our hope.