“My plan for you is not the one you have created and entertained in your mind. My plan for you is the one that is unfolding day after day in all the humiliations and apparent failure to achieve great things that make up this phase of your life. Accept your weaknesses, and then offer them to Me; offer them to Me through My Mother. Every weakness entrusted to My Mother becomes an occasion of grace and an outpouring of My merciful love into the soul that suffers it.” (Inspiration from in Sinu Jesu)
My Aunt Betty continues to challenge me to live in the present moment and to die to self. Here is our last conversation:
“Your ego is dominating you. St. Paul said, “The old man has to die.” That part has to yield to God’s will. If not, that’s where depression comes. The desire to be in God’s will is important. God will need to use different ways to help us yield our will to His. There are different calls for different people. Fr. John said, “We’re called to be one with Christ so we’re all called in some way to have a crucifixion, but we really have to make a decision. The temptation is to live in the past or the future. Those people who live in the past or the future are being crucified, but they’re not being crucified with Christ. They’re really suffering more. They’re not living the life of faith and they aren’t living with Christ who is in the Eternal Now. Those living in the future have tremendous anxiety. The Lord says anxiety is offensive to Him. He wants us to live in the now.
You seem to be choosing to be crucified with the thieves. Living in the past and the future is a thief, but living in the now and allowing faith, hope and love to take care of the past and the future–that’s really what we’re called to. When we allow ourselves to go into the past or future, God isn’t there. We are just literally throwing time away. God has no past or future. It’s the torture chamber of Satan. It gives him permission to beat up on us because by our own free will, we’re going there.
Since “Perfect Love casts out fear”, If you have fear and anxiety, you know you’re not in the Present. Fear is part of Satan’s tools in his workshop. I’m more and more learning not to go there. That could be part why I have more peace.
Faith is saying, “God you’re here so I have to trust that whatever is happening is for my good. Help me be obedient and follow you so I don’t wander back into anxiety and fear.” That’s a perfectly good prayer. It’s a prayer I think God cannot refuse.
That controller in you is very insistent. Praying in tongues is much better than going into the torture chamber. Satan doesn’t like when we go into tongues because he can’t win there.
“I live, not I, but Christ lives in me. Paul really was being led that way. The parts of us that aren’t in truth will be crucified, not the authentic us. The authentic part is the part Christ wants to come through. Christ wants to be present in the world through the authentic self. The authentic self will never go out of existence. The parts of us that aren’t in truth need Purgatory to be purified if we don’t allow the Lord to do it as we walk in life. We will have to do it in Purgatory.
See this as the will of God and yield. The more you choose your own will, the more you’re choosing suffering. “Lord, help us not seek the easy way out and thus be vulnerable to Satan.” Give the Lord any exaggerated pictures of how much God’s going to call you to. Take all the exaggerations Satan uses to make us think we can’t follow the Lord. Let us see Christianity as a joyful choice, not a torturous way to live.
Living in the Divine Will isn’t easy, but I’ve experienced much more peace. People who decide not to yield and to stay in the past or future are paying a high price for it. Your perfectionist is really your ego. The ego is fighting to be God. It wants to dominate.
The perfectionist in us is too prideful to accept our imperfect parts. It always wants to control, but the spiritual life is one of letting the Lord be in control. It’s the opposite of what the Perfectionist wants. Say, “If I’m good enough for Jesus, I’m good enough for you.”
When you can’t sleep, I wonder what’s going on in that inner dialogue that’s keeping you awake. The Lord gives each person whatever needs to happen in their life to help them let go of the need to control. You have to die to your will.
The ego focuses on whether this is good for me. It’s not going to be pleasurable. God has to do in us that which is to His glory. We don’t save ourselves. So when we are beating ourselves up before the Lord, we can’t say it’s prayer. It’s the ego. If you journal, it’s good to look at it later to see if it was your ego. Hold it up to the Lord and beg for His grace to transform. There’s inner cleansing we need to go through. I’ve found it to be helpful to breathe in Lord’s love and breathe out anxiety.”