BUILDING WALLS AS A DEFENSE

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I came across something I had written over a year ago.  It was from a session I had with my Aunt Betty.  It’s helpful to write in a journal so we can look back and see our growth.  My aunt and I were praying for a relationship where I was pulling away from the person when things got painful.  Here are Betty’s words to me:

You have a part of you that’s isolated and distant.  It doesn’t care how it’ll affect others.  You’ve been praying for the Lord to heal you of the part of you that’s distant.  That part came about in your childhood.  You isolated so you wouldn’t get hurt.  (In this situation, I had pulled away from X as a defense mechanism).

When a person isolates, they fragment.  There’s a part of you that cares too much about what other people think. You want to have X’s approval. Any time you overreact to someone, you know that you are hooked.  There’s something between the 2 of you where you’re not acting in your normal adult manner. Pray to Jesus.  There’s a hook here.  Don’t waste time getting mad at X.  Ask the Lord to show you what’s getting hooked.

In childhood, when things weren’t to your liking, you would isolate.  Deep down there’s a part of you that wants to be accepted and appreciated by X or the rejection wouldn’t hurt so much. There is something in X that you get caught in because of a need in you.  “Lord, help me find the place I get hooked with X.” 

There’s a “if only” in you. “If only X would be nicer to me.”  Other people don’t have to change for you to get healed.  As Jesus began to work on my healing, other people didn’t have so much power over me.  In the past, my woundedness was hooking into others.  But as I stopped over-reacting, the people changed. I wasn’t pushing their buttons.  In your need for healing, X and you push each other’s buttons.  As you get free, if X annoys you, you’ll get clean enough that you can set healthy boundaries.  You have to know that part in order to let the Lord heal it. 

“Jesus, thank you for hearing my prayer, but now help me cooperate with what you’re showing me.  I don’t want to rebel against the truth.  I’ve repressed parts of my personality.” 

The more we learn to live in truth, the closer we are to living in the Divine Will. The games we play are holding us away from truth.  As we get closer to the Lord, we have to keep facing more of our stuff.  When you say, “I don’t know,” you do know.  Face your shadow.  Don’t try to run away from it. It’s time you let the Lord complete your healing.  As you receive your own healing, in God’s mercy, you’ll be more available to others. It’s loving to allow yourself to be healed for the sake of others.  The more you allow yourself to enter into goodness, love, and truth, the more Jesus is present. It’s a way of praying and honoring God. 

Pray to get healed of the two parts.  The one part says, “I don’t care.”  The other part wants everyone to love her.  Pray the parts come back that have been fragmented.  As a child, this part cared so much and wasn’t respected so you went to the opposite extreme and cut off. 

“Lord, give me your heart of love and caring.  I do care.  Help me to stand in truth.  Help me not to go into the lie that “I don’t care.”  Renounce the “I don’t care” lie that you used as a cover so it wouldn’t hurt as much.”  When we accept the ways of Satan, namely, lying, it creates more problems. You created an icy heart with the lie “I don’t care.”  X has been hurt.  What you dislike in X is in you.  You have repressed it all these years.

You made an inner vow when you were so hurt.  You said, “I don’t care.”  You’re trying to convince yourself that you don’t care because it hurts so much.  You need to give Jesus the lie that you told yourself, that part of you that detached from everyone so they couldn’t hurt you.  Lots of people have been fed that lie from Satan.  Take the lie and look into eyes of Jesus.  Give yourself permission to feel again.  Let the ice melt.  To love is to know pain.  You can’t love without pain.

Tell Jesus, “I’m sorry I projected my uncaring heart into X, but if X also suffered hurt in childhood that caused X to fall into the lie, I ask that you heal X.” Unless the prayer bears fruit in loving others, we’re missing the point.  Coming into truth is always a prayer.  The goal of Christian life is to become more loving.  Look into Jesus’ eyes and say, “I do care.”  You may find tears because the hurt you shoved down is part of the ice.” 

When in prayer, lift it up and give it to the Lord and receive His healing. You’ll benefit after you let the pain go.  Don’t run away from the pain.  Don’t focus on X.  Any overreaction—enamored or distancing—is bad.  Bringing up the pain is good because we will bring it out of the darkness into the light. Image the Lord with you and let it go.  Use imaging.  Give expectations to the Lord because that’s how we hurt ourselves.

As Robert Frost so profoundly stated, “The best way out is always through.”

 

 

 

 

 

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