AM:  I’m struggling with self-condemnation…

Betty: Why don’t you put that in a form of prayer instead of us talking. Go into prayer. Image yourself before the Lord in whatever way would give you the most comfort and say, “Father, please, I desperately need your help. I’m sorry for choosing self-hatred. I know that doesn’t please you. The only other answer I have is to surrender to you and to realize that unless you do it in me, I can’t let go of my inner tyranny. I know that you love me, and the way I treat myself is not pleasing to you. I find it so hard to forgive myself for not being perfect. You are not placing demands on me. I’m the demanding one. Please Father, help me stop it. I do need to sleep. What I’m doing is cruel. There’s no excuse for it. Jesus, I surrender myself to you.” Go into tongues. It’s a way of surrender also. But you really need to do that rather than just laying there all night in agony. At least you’re honoring the Lord by trusting Him, by turning to him, and by crying for help. You’re not wasting your time. You’re doing something that’s a movement toward the remedy. But you’re also admitting that of yourself, it’s not gonna get done. You really need the Lord to get in there and work a miracle. Because you have allowed it to get so far as a habit that you just immediately go into beating yourself up and feeling justified in doing that. I’m sure it hurts the Lord to see you caught like that. But I’m sure if he could relieve you of it, He would. There must be a part of you that’s still attached to it, but it’s probably in your unconscious. 

AM: No one would consciously choose this. 

Betty: I can’t imagine anybody in their right mind torturing themselves intentionally like that. And I do believe you’re in your right mind, but you have these terrible bad habits in that regard. It’s kind of weird, but there’s almost like a satisfaction that that sick part gets at beating yourself up. It’s like, “Come on. Nobody in their right mind wants to beat themselves up.” I really suspect the Old Boy (devil) trying to help you establish that habit, so you could be in constant torture. It’s not a loving act that’s for sure.  

AM: This part of me is saying, “Wake up. You keep doing dumb stuff.” 

Betty: Yeah, see, but look where you went. You went with that Perfectionist who likes to torture you. That is the part that needs conversion right there. “So, Father, here it is. Please help me stop doing this.”  It’s almost like it’s an obsession in a part of you. It’s like you have to punish yourself, because you did something dumb. No. You don’t have to punish yourself. “Lord, whatever it takes to help AM to really let go of that lie, please help her let go of the lie that she has to be punished.” I feel that part saying, “You wasted money.” So you respond, ”Ok, but I didn’t do it deliberately.”  

“Lord, please be the answer that she needs. Do for her what is beyond her ability to do for herself. Let mercy rain down upon her. Wash out these obsessive thoughts that she must be punished. That is a lie. We all make mistakes.”  Getting over this could truly help you. So, it’s worth the time to do more journaling in which you really try to get down into whatever keeps motivating you to go back into doing it even though you have the knowledge that is needed. You know it’s not helpful and that it’s hurting you. You’ll be physically ill unless you break this bad habit. So, I think the journaling needs to take the form of you sitting and really talking with God. In other words, get serious with him about, “I have to break this habit. I can’t go on that way.” What you’re asking is, “Please help me to be able to get to the bottom of why I can’t stop being so angry and so resentful at myself for the least of my mistakes. It feels to me like you have this lie in you that says that’s gonna help you. That whole thing is a lie. You know who’s capable of lies like that. So you know the source. Then, I have to say to you, “Why are you listening to the Father of Lies? No human being in their right mind would ever advocate that as a practice. So, where’s the source of the so- called truth that it’s good for you to lay there and beat yourself up? Do you follow where I am? It’s like you’re a sensible human being. You usually act in a way that’s sensible. Can you say, “Lord help me know why I have this need to beat myself up. Father help me. This is crazy.” Because every time we get into it, you’re convinced that it’s not a helpful procedure. And since you’re a sensible person, I’m hoping you’ll give it up. But then, the next mistake you do, you’re right back doing it again. “Father, she needs help. This is a crazy place to be in.” It’s like you’re caught in an obsession. I don’t think it’s the case where you’re not comprehending, because you’re sharp.  

AM: It just feels so beyond anything that I can do. 

Betty: That’s why the song, “Oh Jesus, I surrender myself to you. Take care of everything” feels to me like it would be a good one to try to break the bad habit. Because it acts more to me like a habit.