AM: Isn’t the Perfectionist like that part of me that feels I’m not good enough, and so it gets tied into my Perfectionist? Does that part play into it?

Betty: That could be why your Perfectionist is the way she is. That could be her undying torment. When you’re trying to be like God, you’ll wind up tormenting yourself, because it is impossible to be God. There’s only one God. 

AM: Right. So, I want to get out of this. 

Betty: Well then stop trying to serve her as lord and master. Make up your mind who you’ll serve. 

AM: “Lord, I don’t want to serve my Perfectionist. I want to do what you’ve called me to do…” 

I think it’s time for you to make a decision to come out of the hole, and the major decision I want you to chew on literally is, “Do I want to serve God? Who is my Lord? Of course, your Perfectionist would say that she’s your Lord. She’ll give you the answer. She’s the Lord. No, she’s not. She’s hot air waiting to be expelled. 

AM: “Lord, I give you permission to declare yourself Lord over the whole of me…” 

Betty: What I’m hearing is, “I no longer want to say, “Not your will, but mine be done.” I want to say “Not my will, but Your will be done.” Because deep down inside of you, there is a part of you that when the Lord would talk about giving over your will would switch it around. You’d say, “Not Your will, but mine be done.” So, there’s that conflict. Ask the Lord to help you be conscious, when you go into that reversal and choose your own will over His. Do you think God is going to ask too much of you? 

AM: No, I just don’t like going through the pain of dying to my will, but I still want to die to it. 

Betty: It will hurt. It’s not going to let up until you’re healed. It’s part of your healing, namely the very hurts you’re feeling. Anything in you that wants anything outside of God’s will is going to have to change. It’s gonna have to hurt. 

AM: So, we get to that place of surrender like St. Paul? He learned in weakness or strength, good times or bad that he trusted God was in it. It’s wasn’t fun, but he got joy, because he was so surrendered right? 

Betty: Ya, you’ll reach a point at which it hurts less, because you want what God wants rather than what you want. But, as long as you’re in a place where you want what you want rather than what God wants, then you’ll have pain. It’s the pain of the self that is not pleased, because it’s not getting its will done. It’s not easy to make the choice for “Not my will, but Thine be done.” And the fact that Jesus Himself, in His humanity, struggled with it is good. That’s because it reminds us that even He found it difficult. It wasn’t what His humanity wanted. He had to die to what His humanity wanted and enter into the mystery of the Divine plan, which is not always our choice. So, we have to be able to live aware that we’re not always going to get our way. We need to get to a point where that’s okay and to accept that God’s way is what we want.