I wrote this during a particularly trying time. I see how I’ve made things in my life worse through my unwillingness to yield. Below in red are my Aunt Betty’s words to me. 

Betty: When you go through the wilderness, it’s hard. The journey seems longer. But we all have these times in our life. It’s a part of life. With depression, it’s harder. But you keep trying to make the choices that you know God is calling you to despite the fact that it’s harder. Now, that’s where virtue comes in. You’re learning how to be virtuous. You either yield, or you turn rebellious. So, that’s where the choice to be a saint or sinner comes in. It’s when it reaches the will. It’s in the will to yield or not to yield. But that is part of why we go into the wilderness, namely to learn how to yield. Our will really does not like that at all. 

Part of the wilderness is that even though you learn how to yield, it doesn’t lift right away. And you have to continue to be in the pain, temptations, or whatever. Because God isn’t there to be our servant.  God is there to be served. Some people treat God like He’s their servant. I wish I could promise you there was an easy way, but it doesn’t work that way.

AM: Isn’t there something to be said that I’ve been doing this work for a long time?

Betty: Yes, but that thought you’re having is a very discouraging thought. 

AM: Well, when I look back…

Betty: Well then should you look back? There’s a part of you that wants to get discouraged, because things aren’t the way you want. 

AM: I feel like I’m always in the Wilderness. 

Betty: Is that really true or is that the way you feel right now? Could it be that your purpose is to be doing what you are doing and keep applying your faith to these difficult things in your life? That gives God glory, because basically that’s what it means to be a saint. It’s to be faithful and hang in there, even when things are rough. If you are doing it to give God honor and glory, it has merit. It’s not easy to be a true Christian. But we do give honor and glory to God by hanging in there and responding to what He asks us to do. People’s lives are possibly being changed and helped, and we don’t get to know about it. That’s hard on us, because it’s easier when we’re in the know on what’s being done with our lives. That’s what you call the Wilderness. Think about it. Every mother in raising just one child goes through a lot. And she might say, “I have wilderness in my life when I don’t even know if my child’s going to make it. Yet, she keeps hanging in there trying this and that.

AM: And one day, I’ll be out of the Wilderness.

Betty: There will be a happy ending. You just don’t know when it is. That’s what’s killing you. You want to know. 

AM: It’s hard to see your life as having purpose and value when you’re not doing as much. You’re just praying and writing. It just doesn’t feel like a whole lot. It helps if you’re at least productive and contributing.

Betty: The alternative is to honor God by choosing to be faithful and hang in there, even though you don’t get the glory and all the good feelings of all the good that’s going on. You’re impatient about your own joy. For you to yield your impatience to the Lord is a way of glorifying Him. See, we honor God even amidst our negative reactions, as long as we aren’t really choosing them and agreeing with them. But if we keep praying, “Lord help me to yield more and not be so demanding, wanting You to do my will, instead of yours, we are giving God honor and glory, because we’re trying to say yes to what He’s asking of us. 

Is there an area in your life that God is asking you to yield and to let go of wanting things your way?