I made what seemed to me a grave mistake while filling out an online form for my daughter that went to a scammer instead of the DMV. I was intently watching the Charger game and trying to fill out the DMV form during commercials, so I wasn’t attentive to what I was doing. Once I discovered that my daughter’s DMV information went to an internet scammer, I immediately went into condemnation of my inept brain and my carelessness. The consequences of this mistake kept recycling in my mind and caused a lot of anxiety. Below in red are my Aunt Betty’s words to me.

Every time you think of this, you need to lift it up to the Lord. “Sacred heart of Jesus, I place my trust in You.” It’s at times like this that we find out whether we believe or don’t believe. You seem to have an addiction to torturing yourself when you do something like this.

What would help in this situation is to realize that this doesn’t honor Jesus. Ask the Lord to keep working with you, so your heart is purified. We know Jesus is the Savior, so we need to act on our faith. Your brain is the cross you’ve been called to carry. Embrace your cross with love, and call on Jesus for help. Let Him help you carry it. Satan will say for you to torture yourself.

Turn to the Lord and tell Him you’re sorry. The Will of God is living what we’re learning. You don’t feel equipped to deal with what’s going on in you. Ask the Holy Spirit to pray through you to get out of the hole and to open the door inside to the Light.

You have to be willing to forgive yourself for your latest mistakes. Go into tongues, and get your anger out. You are enraged at yourself. There’s a part of you that wants to punish yourself. If you do that, the prayers won’t work. Forgive and let go. Trust God to make a difference. “Lord, have mercy on me. Do that which I am incapable of doing. Out of the depths, I cry unto thee. Oh Lord, hear my voice.”

The symbol of open doors can get you out of a stuck place. Wherever God is, there’s always hope. Close the doors you have open to darkness. Open the doors to light. Image it, because in imaging it, you’re choosing your will. You’re willing to move toward God and hope, instead of to Satan and all his torture and destruction. When you torture yourself, it’s not good. You’ve got to get rid of it.

Maybe the greatest gift God wants you to give Him is your willingness to forgive yourself despite your mistakes. That might be your call and how He wants to be glorified through you. Your druthers would be that He be glorified through your perfection. But maybe God, for some reason, knows the best thing for you is to give Him glory amidst your imperfections.

There’s a pride and an arrogance in that demand that you be perfect and that you don’t make mistakes. It’s also a rebellion of the way God created us. That part has to die, and maybe that’s why you’re suffering. You’re really called to die to that pride and arrogance. It’d be easier for you to love yourself, when you’re doing things right and achieving things. That’s who you really want to be, that successful person. But maybe God, in His infinite wisdom, is saying “no.” Perhaps He’s saying, “I really want to receive glory from you by you picking yourself up over and over again and forgiving and starting over. That is the highest form of glory I can receive from you—that which has driven you crazy.” Maybe that’s what God wants.  God has the right to ask us for homage in whatever form He chooses. In fact, we need a saint who does that, because people like you need someone to look up to. That might be how you’ll give Him the greatest glory.

Instead of rejecting and condemning your brain, rather hold it up to the Lord and say, “Lord, I’m in a mystery. You know how hard I try, but I keep failing, and all I can say is I just have to give you myself as I am. Help me to have mercy on myself, and stop beating myself up, if that’s the way you want your glory to be had. Jesus, meek and humble of heart, make my heart like unto Thine. “

I really think what’s going on is God is allowing you to feel the ugliness of your perfectionist. Your perfectionist wants to serve God through doing things right. Somehow or another God wants you to humbly accept that you make mistakes.

As I was thinking of a title for this excerpt, the song by Bob Carlisle called, “We Fall Down” came to mind. I included the words below. You can find the song online.

WE FALL DOWN

Cursing every step of the way, he bore a heavy load
to the market ten miles away, the journey took its toll
and every day he passed a monastery’s high cathedral walls
and it made his life seem meaningless and small
And he wondered how it would be to live in such a place
to be warm, well fed and at peace; to shut the world away
So when he saw a priest who walked, for once, beyond the iron gate
he said, tell me of your life inside the place…
and the priest replied…
We fall down, we get up
we fall down, we get up
we fall down, we get up
and the saints are just the sinners
who fall down and get up
Disappointment followed him home; he’d hoped for so much more
but he saw himself in a light he had never seen before
Cause if the priest who fell could find the grace of God to be enough
then there must be some hope for the rest of us
there must be some hope left for us
We fall down, we get up
we fall down, we get up
we fall down, we get up
and the saints are just the sinners
who fall down and get up